i think i'm sinking back into that same person years ago. i never felt so detached before.
maybe it's the stress from all the upcoming finals and performance exams.
honestly. i love my family so much. i really do. but sometimes i feel like i'm the outsider. not an outsider. but people really don't understand me. and even if i tried to explain myself. i feel very lost and it's like no one is really listening to me at all. it frustrates me so much, i just want to die. i wonder sometimes if i die. would anyone even care?
i feel like my mom never loved me. i really do feel like it. because i was never able to explain myself so well. it's hard for anyone to understand and even get me. sometimes i wish i can just drop dead.
i consider myself to be a pretty thoughtful person. but people don't consider my feelings most of the time. i put alot of people in front of me, and i don't mind it. you know.. i don't mind it. i don't mind is they never consider anything about me.
and it hurts. like now. when i'm crying so hard. it's tiring to be a happy person. it really is. i want to scream, yell. just do something.
when i have kids. i don't think i will ever do this to them. i feel like, i am the only person i can depend on. lean on and cry. since i was little i was used to keeping things to myself. i was used to serving others. i was used to just putting others in front of myself.
i don't want to be bitter. i just wish people care more. but what can i expect?
haha.
another night crying myself to sleep afterall. what would happen if i kill myself? would anyone miss me at all?
Since i am working now. i will make a wish-list of things i would like to get with my first paycheck:
- i will treat lan anh, christy and trang with a meal: $50-$70 - i need a new camera: it's a canon powershot, $166, i'll find a cheaper price but yeah. - i think i'll get myself a nice handbag, you know. - the rest i'll put it in my bank for save keeping <3 and maybe $50 to go shopping =]
hoping to at least make $300 or higher this month.
